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The art of what matters;

It's easier to sit in a painful certainty that nobody would find you attractive or that nobody appreciates your talent than to actually test those beliefs and find out for sure".

A few months ago I responded to an advertisement that is looking for medical student who could write. I gave the person a message and we even had a conversation where she explained about how they are going to provide source, give deadline and how they pay for each writing job that I'll agree to. A week after that, she called and I purposely didn't pick up the call. Why? Well in my defense, it was one of the busiest week in our posting. But to be completely honest, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it. So I retreated back to the comfort of my life and just pretend that I could have done it but I choose not to. Did I regret my decision? Back then no, but as I'm writing this I wonder how long is this going to last simply because I refuse to try for fear of not being able to perform well. So here I am mustering courage to actually do what I love (even when I know I'm not good at writing).

The subtle art of not giving a fuck. I read the book yesterday and many times I feel like the book speaks to me. Especially about the positivity part. I am a positive person (70%) but I always blame myself whenever negativity creeps. I strive to be a perfectly positive person and often blame myself when i'm less than positive. For me, the positive me is the acceptable and better version hence I should be that for 24/7. In short, I feel bad for feeling bad about myself. What I failed to understand is, problems are unavoidable and its gonna come back in one form or another. Our negative experience is defined by the positive experience. "What makes us feel good will inevitably make us feel bad". As much as its hard to swallow, thats the reality. Its not uncommon for me to be stucked in that hell loop where I feel bad for feeling bad about myself and then i would feel bad for wanting to feel good when I should have embraced both. Am I making sense? 😂. I failed to see that I'm actually denying my problem by forcing myself to stay positive. While it is good to see the good side of everything, it is also crucial to admit that sometimes life sucks and there will always be problem that needs to be solved.

Mark Manson also mentioned about the fear of being average (again, something that resonates in me). What we see on social network are meant to attract viewers hence they often broadcast about madly succesful, extra ordinary person which is actually just 0.1% of the population. Remember the bell curve? Yep the mean is always on the centre. Its a way to live. Being average doesn't mean that you'll never achieve anything, or that your value is less than other people. Why is it that I'm terrified of being average and even despise myself for being one?

Its because i use it as a metric to measure my happiness. If I'm smarter I'll become happier, so being average with another 10 million person isn't cool.This mindset is dangerous because for a long time I feel like my life is worthless and I'm always waiting for the next big thing to happen to me. When I see my friends graduating, starting their career or even seems to have a better social life than me I can't help but look at my life and how far behind I am. Why? I don't know. I thought if I have more x, or y or z, I'll be a happier person or I would finally attain that happiness. Relying on x,y or z for happiness is really superficial, which was why I could definitely say I wasn't happy most of the time.

Banyak lagi values and things that I found interesting in the book tapi i don't know how to put it in words without revealing too much about the crisis I have with myself (LOL). Thank you for reading this!


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