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Reality

"I am so scared of losing people that matters to me. As much as I understand that everyone will eventually leave this world, I couldn't bear the thoughts of not being able to see someone ever again. Because I am selfish and losing someone forever scares me so much.
My grandma (inak) has been admitted to the hospital yesterday. She complained that her body is aching. The doctor said there is electrolyte imbalance in her body. A sign of renal failure as it can no longer regulate the electrolyte. Her ECG showed myocardial infarction, she is dependent on oxygen mask now. Her blood pressure is fluctuating but is on the low side. It seems like her health is deteriorating even further compared to this morning.

Being away from home, I couldn't do anything but pray. Prayer transcends the distance, prayer is the only thing that helps to put my mind at ease. I couldn't concentrate on what I was studying. My first reaction when my dad sent pictures of her lying on the bed was to cry. I am genuinely scared of losing her. I feel like I haven't take care of her as much as she did when I was younger. I need more time to serve her. Please don't take her away from me. I am not ready. But if its written, please grant us the strength to keep going."

Last night my instinct was so adamant. I prayed asking for things to be going smoothly for inak. When I woke up for subuh prayer I didn't procrastinate as I would normally do. After prayer, I intended to study so I checked my phone to view the Haematology textbook and a message saying that I missed a call from my mom popped up on the phone screen. This is the moment I've been dreading. Given that my parents never called me, this could only mean one thing: a bad news. I mustered my courage before calling and its confirmed. Inak has just passed away.

I took my shower and make important decision as to go back home or not. Truth be told, the shower was done on autopilot. I couldn't even remember if I brushed my teeth or not. As I called my dad tears were falling non-stop. Because I am scared and this feels surreal. I am about to board a plane now.

Damailah engkau di sana
Di sisi rahmat Tuhan mu
💕

Please take a moment to pray for my grandma's wellbeing on the other side. Al-Fatihah

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