Skip to main content

Reality

"I am so scared of losing people that matters to me. As much as I understand that everyone will eventually leave this world, I couldn't bear the thoughts of not being able to see someone ever again. Because I am selfish and losing someone forever scares me so much.
My grandma (inak) has been admitted to the hospital yesterday. She complained that her body is aching. The doctor said there is electrolyte imbalance in her body. A sign of renal failure as it can no longer regulate the electrolyte. Her ECG showed myocardial infarction, she is dependent on oxygen mask now. Her blood pressure is fluctuating but is on the low side. It seems like her health is deteriorating even further compared to this morning.

Being away from home, I couldn't do anything but pray. Prayer transcends the distance, prayer is the only thing that helps to put my mind at ease. I couldn't concentrate on what I was studying. My first reaction when my dad sent pictures of her lying on the bed was to cry. I am genuinely scared of losing her. I feel like I haven't take care of her as much as she did when I was younger. I need more time to serve her. Please don't take her away from me. I am not ready. But if its written, please grant us the strength to keep going."

Last night my instinct was so adamant. I prayed asking for things to be going smoothly for inak. When I woke up for subuh prayer I didn't procrastinate as I would normally do. After prayer, I intended to study so I checked my phone to view the Haematology textbook and a message saying that I missed a call from my mom popped up on the phone screen. This is the moment I've been dreading. Given that my parents never called me, this could only mean one thing: a bad news. I mustered my courage before calling and its confirmed. Inak has just passed away.

I took my shower and make important decision as to go back home or not. Truth be told, the shower was done on autopilot. I couldn't even remember if I brushed my teeth or not. As I called my dad tears were falling non-stop. Because I am scared and this feels surreal. I am about to board a plane now.

Damailah engkau di sana
Di sisi rahmat Tuhan mu
💕

Please take a moment to pray for my grandma's wellbeing on the other side. Al-Fatihah

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The art of what matters;

" It's easier to sit in a painful certainty that nobody would find you attractive or that nobody appreciates your talent than to actually test those beliefs and find out for sure".

A few months ago I responded to an advertisement that is looking for medical student who could write. I gave the person a message and we even had a conversation where she explained about how they are going to provide source, give deadline and how they pay for each writing job that I'll agree to. A week after that, she called and I purposely didn't pick up the call. Why? Well in my defense, it was one of the busiest week in our posting. But to be completely honest, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it. So I retreated back to the comfort of my life and just pretend that I could have done it but I choose not to. Did I regret my decision? Back then no, but as I'm writing this I wonder how long is this going to last simply because I refuse to try for fear of not being able …

Skincare routine

Skincare was a very strange concept to me as my mother (who is blessed with good skin genes) always emphasize that putting products on your face would exaggerate unwanted reactions. She was right to a certain extent, if you use unverified products (read; skincare that claims to whiten your complexion in 2 days) then in the long run it would damage your skin. I used to think skincare is such a girly thing to do. Back in high school until my foundation years, I never bothered using toner, moisturizer or even sunscreen! Life was so simple back then, I cleanse my face, let it dry and hope to God that acne would stop invading my face. Who would've thought now I have to wake up early to make sure the sunscreen sit on my face for a solid 20 minutes before going out of the room.

My skin is dry and sensitive. I concluded its sensitive as I can't use products with fragrance without developing rash. Certain products I have tried in the past leaves a tingling sensation especiall…

#PulangMengundi and merepek sikit

As soon as the date for General Election 14 was announced, people started to voice out their concern. For first time voters especially students its not easy to allocate money for transportation. Money is tight for me. Scholarship is not banked in yet and asking for flight ticket money seems so odd in this frugal situation. I saw #PulangMengundi on Twitter which was initiated by a noble and kind-hearted fellow Malaysian made to help each other especially students to go back to their hometown and vote. I am so overwhelmed by this kind gesture because never in a million year would I ever dream of someone sponsoring my ticket back home. Its just too good to be true, and good things doesn't come by that often for me. It is so moving to see people unite, regardless of religion, race, and political view. I hope someday I would be able to be on the giving side. Faith in Malaysian humanity: restored.

What comes next was history, my family and I stayed up late watching AWANI…