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In place of what is lost, something new emerges ;

It's been quite a while since I last wrote anything here. Maybe that's just a thing with me, I aways stop halfway. Ok so when I first sign up for this blog, I promised myself to not let negativity and the stressed part of me affect my post. But it did anyway because who am I kidding how can I stop myself from doing something that I do on a daily basis ? So a depressing, melancholic, sad,cheesy post this is going to be. You have been warned.

Alhamdulillah I am now in year 2 medic school and all praise to lord for giving me the joy of passing all 4 blocks in the first year. It wasn't a good academic year for me especially during the block 1.

Block 1 highlight:

1.My procrastinating habit is taking its toll on me. I was overwhelmed by the amount of new things that we have to study (and keep in our mind for the rest of our life)

2.I realised I'm a slow learner which means I need extra time to understand a concept. And in medicine, time is never on our side.

3. I had my first failure. The passing mark was 50 and I got 43 in that minitest. I cried for days because I felt stupid.

4. During the end block examination, I was extremely nervous I couldn't answer an essay question about respiratory physiology. I left it blank (byebye 25 marks)

5.During my first OSPE I was so afraid at the prospect of failing, I forgot most of the things I have studied the night before. I slept the whole afternoon and realised I need to talk to somebody so I called my mom and cried, hard. I told her I can't do this.

6. My parents reminded me that I have god to turn to. They told me this isn't the kid they raised. The older me was positive and have faith in what God has planned for her. They said.
I hung up and continued studying for the next paper.

As each day unfolds, I feel like I'm trapped in a constant cycle of attending lectures and revision in between while worrying about what the future holds. I invested my spare time on sleeping and not doing what I used to love ; reading and writing. I felt miserable and often cry myself to sleep. And what my parents said start resurfacing on my brain.

I figured that my biggest problem was that I turned my back on Him. I relied on my capability more than I relied on Him when He is the Almighty the Greatest

I wouldn't say my depressing thoughts and worries vanished straight away right after realising that. There are times when I feel like the universe is conspiring against me but it definitely helped me to chase these thoughts away. Because I know in the end, Allah will always be there for me.

The person you thought you would be, they were a concept knitted together with hope. To be the best version of yourself, lose the version that do not cope.


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