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Showing posts from 2016

Reality

"I am so scared of losing people that matters to me. As much as I understand that everyone will eventually leave this world, I couldn't bear the thoughts of not being able to see someone ever again. Because I am selfish and losing someone forever scares me so much.
My grandma (inak) has been admitted to the hospital yesterday. She complained that her body is aching. The doctor said there is electrolyte imbalance in her body. A sign of renal failure as it can no longer regulate the electrolyte. Her ECG showed myocardial infarction, she is dependent on oxygen mask now. Her blood pressure is fluctuating but is on the low side. It seems like her health is deteriorating even further compared to this morning.

Being away from home, I couldn't do anything but pray. Prayer transcends the distance, prayer is the only thing that helps to put my mind at ease. I couldn't concentrate on what I was studying. My first reaction when my dad sent pictures of …

In place of what is lost, something new emerges ;

It's been quite a while since I last wrote anything here. Maybe that's just a thing with me, I aways stop halfway. Ok so when I first sign up for this blog, I promised myself to not let negativity and the stressed part of me affect my post. But it did anyway because who am I kidding how can I stop myself from doing something that I do on a daily basis ? So a depressing, melancholic, sad,cheesy post this is going to be. You have been warned.

Alhamdulillah I am now in year 2 medic school and all praise to lord for giving me the joy of passing all 4 blocks in the first year. It wasn't a good academic year for me especially during the block 1.

Block 1 highlight:

1.My procrastinating habit is taking its toll on me. I was overwhelmed by the amount of new things that we have to study (and keep in our mind for the rest of our life)

2.I realised I'm a slow learner which means I need extra time to understand a concept. And in medicine, time is never on our side.

3. I …

Pre-exam anxious ramble;

Often, when you're worried and express your worries, the people around will reassure that you can do it. In fact, they express confidently that you will be fine, you will be able to answer and pass  with flying colours.

Sometimes it makes me feel as if my worries are irrelevant.  As if my worries are not legit. No one knows how worried you are deep inside when you say you're worried. No one knows how scared you are of the future.Everyone sees the brighter side but you can only see the darker side.The side that holds the insecurities,worries,anxiety.The side that keeps us laying awake at night.

Its so hard to believe that you can do it, let alone convincing yourself that you will get through this. Its a constant battle and you tell yourself everyday that you're going to make it. For once I would love to see myself from another person's point of view so I could believe in myself.       In a weird way, exam has its own way of bringing us closer to Him. Our prayers…

Coping with myself ;

From the frequency of my blog update, you guys could probably tell how hectic life(aka lots and lots more to read) and how lazy I have become in writing. I still jot down things on my journal and think about things to write(especially during lectures coz I'm a bad student) but really haven't put much effort into writing. I wrote something last week but I stopped halfway. I don't know why.
     For a long time, I constantly feel the need to prove myself. I wanted to prove that I am better than what people think of me. I wanted to prove people wrong for underestimating me. My determination has always been fueled by the need to prove that I am better than everyone who talks behind ny back.
       I thought after highschool ends, my attitude would change and I would be doing things because I want it. I tried putting my goals to drive me forward but occasionally, this feeling of wanting to prove something kicks in and I am back to square one.
       People have this abi…

Beyond compare;

I am one of those people who always have something to compare myself to other person. This is the part of me that I wish to remove from myself and I am still working on it. Try walking among a group of girls who is having a conversations, Chances are they are comparing themselves with another person.
  " Untungla muka flawless"  "Untungla famous dapat freegift dari InstaShops"  " kau pandai tak ape la selalu outing pun"     These are a few examples of what I often hear and I might not or I might be guilty of saying these words too...
     When we compare ourselves with other person, we are encouraging ourselves to be competitive for no absolute reason. If we're not careful enough it might turn into hasad (envy). We forgot about all the blessings that we have; health, family, good friends etc. It encourages us to be less grateful when we actually have too much to be grateful about. Worst case scenario is, we will turn ourselves into a hating machine…

Tough love; 2k15

2015 has been one of those years that shifted very fast for me. Ending the particularly long period of foundation in CFS, starting life as a degree student with the UNGS phase, finally enrolling into medical school and keeping up with the motivations that often takes a wrong turn. Oh well, let's not go there.          Throughout this year I have learnt that when you're at the lowest point of your life, NOTHING will ever bring you out of it but God and should you ever turn your back to Him, there is no hope. So long as you rely on Him, there is hope and in the end it is hope that helps you to persevere.         I learnt that family is the most important institution in this world; that distance may separates physical but can't separate hearts. I am so thankful for being born in this family and I pray that our hearts will still be united even in Hereafter.         I learnt that friends are best kept when they are able to tolerate as much as you do to them. Friendship i…