Skip to main content

Spinning in wonderland;

       If you ask me when I was 17 years old, never in a million years would I ever thought that I'm going to take medicine. I never dreamed of being a medic student and have all these facts and stress presented to me. My dear friend once said "you're living the life that I imagined living but Allah has another plan for me and I believe in Him". Upon hearing this, I knew I should always be grateful for many of us were not given the privilege to be in this field.
       It feels surreal, living among students who could fully focus from the moment class begins at 8 am until it ends at 4pm. There are bright students who could instantly understand and memorize facts and then there's me ; the one that have to read 3-4 times before fully understanding and memorising the main concept. Stress becomes my daily fix nowadays, and to be honest there are times when I don't feel like continuing this anymore. Yes, that's what medic school and medic students did to me.
       I've always been hard on myself, comparing my ability with others, questioning my own judgment, and even hating myself for not being as smart as everyone. Don't ask me why, it comes naturally. Sometimes you will wonder why you were not given the gift to understand and memorize things easily, you will wonder why you can't remember things even after reading it for the gazzilionth time or why your crush never likes your Instagram photos but seems to double tap all your friends' post,EH!! (true story tho!)   There are myriad ways to blame the universe when something doesn't go the way you plan it to be. But in the end what will I get from this kind of thinking apart from disappointment and feeling insufficient?
       For the time being, I resorted to loving myself and doing things according to my ability. Even if it took me 3-4 reading session to understand something it must be done because no one else is going to do that for me. I learned to keep my expectations low because I no longer afford to be that girl who put pressures on herself. There's no room for negativity in my life ; I only accept positive thoughts (but cash and flowers would be nice too!).
      When I feel down in the dumps with all the stress in my plate, I tell myself that what I'm doing is important and I am on my way to be a good person, a good daughter, a good friend and inshaAllah, a good doctor. There are people behind my back who always pray and ask God to guide me throughout the way. They compensate my needs. And they love me albeit my countless flaws and errs. What more can I ask from Him when He had granted me such gift?

Yesterday things were different, tomorrow things will be different. There are no fixed things in this world, the only thing that is constant is changes itself. The good news is, we have the power to make any change for better or worse.

Kinda stressed and anxious (but still positive),
Nabilah ♥
Till then, Assalamualaikum :)


Popular posts from this blog

Tasik Biru Ibam daytrip

Today my friends and I went to Bandar Muadzam Shah a town located about 100km from Kuantan. Awa came up with the idea on a mundane Monday morning while we were both beaten up by the freezing lecture hall and the Monday blues. We planned on visiting the so called "New Zealand" which gained its name due to the greenish scenery and the Tasik Biru Ibam. We're not really adventurous so knowing that it doesn't require much effort to reach the blue lake, is a huge relief (well at least for me).

The drive to Bandar Muadzam Shah took us around two and a half hour. Traffic was clear but the road itself is not in the best condition. From Bandar Muadzam Shah I think we drove for another 15 minutes before reaching Bukit Ibam, the exact location of Tasik Biru or the blue lake.The Blue Lake is actually an old mining site. It is said that the aesthetically pleasing blue colour is a result of copper sulphate sedimentation. No one knows the real depth or what makes the lake e…

Two different world ;

"When your parents got married where were you, Nabilah?"
The 4 year old me without hesitation answered
"I was in front of the pelamin, watching. Didn't you notice I was there?".

Of course my answer did not make any sense. The adults love asking me that question over and over again. Younger me noticed that they love my quirky responses so I change the answer every now and then. Sometimes I would say I was handing the bunga telur, on some days I would say I was the flowergirl. The adults (mostly my mom's colleagues) would compliment me saying I'm smart. The younger me basked in compliments and doesn't even try hiding it.
I suck at a lot of things, especially writing intros so I hope that was interesting enough for you to not close this tab 😂.

I recently read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. I noticed that a lot of issues discussed in the book rings true in my parents' situation. Women and men are di…

Exponential growth;

Turning 18 and 21 is often used as the marker of adulthood. Having gone through both 18 and 21, I don't feel like I am becoming more of an adult. In fact as each year pass by, I feel like I stopped growing altogether and that each year is passing by without me making any significant changes.

Adulthood is a social construct but transition is expected as we age. With adulthood, the question of maturity comes along. It honestly bothers me so much. Am I mature enough for my age? Does my behaviour reflect my age? Am I choosing the appropriate outfit or does this adds up 10 years to my real age? Mature itself is very subjective as more often than not, we know someone who is younger but very mature in making decision etc. There are no specific measure to determine one's maturity. Writing this made me realize that maybe I am glorifying the idea of adulthood.

Physical development might have stopped for some of us but the psychological and intellectual …