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Spinning in wonderland;

       If you ask me when I was 17 years old, never in a million years would I ever thought that I'm going to take medicine. I never dreamed of being a medic student and have all these facts and stress presented to me. My dear friend once said "you're living the life that I imagined living but Allah has another plan for me and I believe in Him". Upon hearing this, I knew I should always be grateful for many of us were not given the privilege to be in this field.
       It feels surreal, living among students who could fully focus from the moment class begins at 8 am until it ends at 4pm. There are bright students who could instantly understand and memorize facts and then there's me ; the one that have to read 3-4 times before fully understanding and memorising the main concept. Stress becomes my daily fix nowadays, and to be honest there are times when I don't feel like continuing this anymore. Yes, that's what medic school and medic students did to me.
       I've always been hard on myself, comparing my ability with others, questioning my own judgment, and even hating myself for not being as smart as everyone. Don't ask me why, it comes naturally. Sometimes you will wonder why you were not given the gift to understand and memorize things easily, you will wonder why you can't remember things even after reading it for the gazzilionth time or why your crush never likes your Instagram photos but seems to double tap all your friends' post,EH!! (true story tho!)   There are myriad ways to blame the universe when something doesn't go the way you plan it to be. But in the end what will I get from this kind of thinking apart from disappointment and feeling insufficient?
       For the time being, I resorted to loving myself and doing things according to my ability. Even if it took me 3-4 reading session to understand something it must be done because no one else is going to do that for me. I learned to keep my expectations low because I no longer afford to be that girl who put pressures on herself. There's no room for negativity in my life ; I only accept positive thoughts (but cash and flowers would be nice too!).
      When I feel down in the dumps with all the stress in my plate, I tell myself that what I'm doing is important and I am on my way to be a good person, a good daughter, a good friend and inshaAllah, a good doctor. There are people behind my back who always pray and ask God to guide me throughout the way. They compensate my needs. And they love me albeit my countless flaws and errs. What more can I ask from Him when He had granted me such gift?

Yesterday things were different, tomorrow things will be different. There are no fixed things in this world, the only thing that is constant is changes itself. The good news is, we have the power to make any change for better or worse.

Kinda stressed and anxious (but still positive),
Nabilah ♥
Till then, Assalamualaikum :)


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