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Ambition-less girl caught up in her dreams

There's so much thing going on in my right life now and I feel the need to be better,more than anything else I have wanted in my life. I feel the need to do something remarkable throughout my life. I am not even 20 yet I am being so hard on myself. I am the harshest critique I ever encountered. Maybe I am being a tad bit too harsh but if I don't be one,my life will be a hot mess.
      One of the thing that has been possessing the throne in my head is about what kind of person will I be as I grow older and wiser(Hopefully). I know for a fact that a degree in medicine is something that I want. Let's face the truth,I am no good in Chemistry,Physics or even Mathematics. I am not that good in Biology related thing but this is something that piqued my interest. I love learning about physiology and how human body works in general. I could say that it's one of my passion. I know that this is what I want to do with my life but I am worried about many things that I started second guessing myself.
     I am always amazed by people who seems to know where their life is heading to. Because the bottom line is,I don't know or I am not even sure what am I going to do with my life.  I have an interview for kuliyyah of medicine entrance this coming Friday yet I can't even convince myself as to why I should take medicine. I know for a fact that my parents did not push me into becoming a doctor. This is what I want but the buts are holding me one step backwards. Number one,if I managed to finish the 5 years long duration of medic school will I be able to be a good doctor? The one that will be able to remind her patients that the healing power comes from Allah and us doctors are just typical human being who knows anatomy and the right medicine to give,as an effort. Number two,what if I crumble over stress? Being a doctor is time consuming. Will I stand working long hours for the rest of my life? Will I be able to sacrifice most things that I love so I could be a good doctor? Number three, how am I going to convince my patients to start eating healthy when I myself is obese? It's as if I am teaching them the right way while I myself is doing it all wrong. Number four, is this really what I want to do with my life? 
       I was not driven by ambition or people's expectation all this time. I was driven by my parents who want the best from me so I gave them my best. But when life demands me to make choice,I feel burdened and pressured. I never wanted to be a doctor until I entered CFS and get the lucky chance to change my foundation course from BioScience to Medicine. Now,as foundation years is nearing it's end I am in desperate need for inspiration or anything that could keep me going. There's a bit in me that wants to study medic because this is my fortè. This is what I'm good at. I AM JUST SCARED OF THE POSSIBILITY THAT COMES TOGETHER WITH THIS HUGE CHANCE. I am afraid of people's expectation eventhough I have lived my almost 20 years  of life constantly fulfilling them one by one. I want to be a doctor,not because of it's noble status or the money but because I want to. I must suppress my fear and cultivate my passion if I really am going to be in this field. Passion drives a person even at times of darkness. I hope I will pass the interview and get the golden chance. Till then,Assalamualaikum :)


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