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Of being grateful and strong

I am touched by how hardworking this couple I met in UIA. They have five children, the wife is currently pursuing her master studies while his husband sells nasi campur for their living. I read about their struggles and it made me realise how much blessings have been taken for granted by me. I only have myself and my studies to take care of, yet I find myself procrastinating or finding excuses to see another funny video. When my money is running low, I only have to make one phone call to tell my parents. Some people don't have that privilege to ask money from their parents, some people don't have time to kill as their time is filled with useful activities.

These couple had once fed us for free, because they overheard my friend and I saying that we were hungry right before class started. We insisted to pay but they refused. We didn't know their stories back then. Its amazing how even when they don't have much to give, they persisted on giving. If you…
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A few times in a month, I would feel low. I would feel lonely, unappreciated, I would feel as if no one cares about me. Today is one of those days. I become super sensitive to what people has to say about me. I become offended and rejected by my friends. I feel distant from everyone, and I feel like my existence is such a burden. I just want to sleep and live in my own world. I'm tired of this feeling because it comes without warning. I'm sick of pushing these thoughts away. I'm sick of having to mask my emotions just so I could feel like I'm the normal me. I feel trapped as if I'm living in a vicious cycle. Life is exhausting but dying is not going to be easy either. I overthink and these thoughts are not pretty. Whats worse is that I don't know how to handle this.

Skincare routine

Skincare was a very strange concept to me as my mother (who is blessed with good skin genes) always emphasize that putting products on your face would exaggerate unwanted reactions. She was right to a certain extent, if you use unverified products (read; skincare that claims to whiten your complexion in 2 days) then in the long run it would damage your skin. I used to think skincare is such a girly thing to do. Back in high school until my foundation years, I never bothered using toner, moisturizer or even sunscreen! Life was so simple back then, I cleanse my face, let it dry and hope to God that acne would stop invading my face. Who would've thought now I have to wake up early to make sure the sunscreen sit on my face for a solid 20 minutes before going out of the room.

My skin is dry and sensitive. I concluded its sensitive as I can't use products with fragrance without developing rash. Certain products I have tried in the past leaves a tingling sensation especiall…

Recap and resolutions

2017 recap!
• completed the remaining 3 blocks of pre-clinical phase which was stressful. My daily routine involves reading notes and asking what the hell am I doing with my life (I still do that).

• In July, I took my first professional exam and what made it memorable was the fact that the whole batch passed and no one is left behind in pre-clinical phase for yet another year. I cried a lot during this period because I was too scared of failing the exam, I was afraid of disappointing my parents, I was just a mess. Mind you, it was not the kind of cry where tears rolled down my cheek, it was the ugly sobbing kind till I found it hard to breathe.

• This was the first raya without my Inak (grandma). It felt so different, I ugly sobbed while reading Yassin after the Eid prayers.(yes I was such a huge emotional ball just waiting to erupt anywhere anytime lol).

• Started clinical year on August. Those were life-changing moment because it was something that I look forward to. Turns out, i…

Positive tapi jauh.

A few nights ago I was mindlessly talking to a girl in the ward. Well it was mainly because I was trying to evaluate her knee reflex and needed something to distract her mind.

Me: What do you wanna be when you grow up?
Her: I want to be a doctor! *smiles broadly*
Me : Aww thats nice. Why do you want to be a doctor?
Her: I wanna help people plus its a respectful job.

I don't want to burst her bubble and say that people nowadays look up to Sheikh Google more than they do at doctors. She was just 10 years old! But I guess I just wasn't in the right state of mind. I smirked and said is this (coming to the ward at night) what you rather do? She said yes and grinned while I was left biting my lips so as to stop myself from being skeptical.

Later that night I asked myself why am I doing this. Why do I want to become a doctor? I realized that I have no answer for that. My answer back then would be the clichè I want to help people. If someone ask me now? I would say I'm…

First rotation!

My first clinical rotation is Paediatrics. Third week into clinical postings and I'm honestly still adapting. Working with human is tough. You are expected to put up with shitty attitudes and handle everything with a smile. I kid you not, there are times when I feel like yelling to the kid to just sit still and let me do examinations. But that wouldn't be fair isn't it? Their presence in the ward is not by choice.

When we went to Hospital Pekan, there were only 7 patients and 12 of us students. So everyone mostly clerked the same patients. At night, I wished there would be new cases tomorrow. I was hoping there would be new patients admitted during the afternoon and night. It didn't took me long to figure that its wrong to wish for more people to be sick. Its inhumane and cruel even. A patient is a human first and foremost. Treating them with care and empathy is what I need.

I must have slept while writing the above paragraph and forgot to continue it…

Two different world ;

"When your parents got married where were you, Nabilah?"
The 4 year old me without hesitation answered
"I was in front of the pelamin, watching. Didn't you notice I was there?".

Of course my answer did not make any sense. The adults love asking me that question over and over again. Younger me noticed that they love my quirky responses so I change the answer every now and then. Sometimes I would say I was handing the bunga telur, on some days I would say I was the flowergirl. The adults (mostly my mom's colleagues) would compliment me saying I'm smart. The younger me basked in compliments and doesn't even try hiding it.
I suck at a lot of things, especially writing intros so I hope that was interesting enough for you to not close this tab 😂.

I recently read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. I noticed that a lot of issues discussed in the book rings true in my parents' situation. Women and men are di…